Revision from Short Film Proposal

The mistakes I found on the first slide is punctuation. A comma and a full stop was missing. The first circle is where a comma should be and the second circle is where a full stop should be.

The first circle is where there is not an apostrophe for 'film's'. There is a spelling mistake and says 'subjec' instead of 'subject'. One more mistake in this slide for the word 'woman' is does not fit into the context of the sentence and should be 'women'.

Opening Lines of Presentation

Does anyone know how many women suffer with domestic abuse?

3 in 1 women are domestically abused in their lifetime.

Good Morning. My name is Kieran Falzon. I want to help raise awareness for people who are being domestically abused and show them that they can get out of the situation even if they think nothing can.

I am going to jump straight into it, I want to create a short film to do with domestic abuse so I can raise awareness, but will need a certain amount of money for this to happen but I will get into that later on in the presentation.

Short film Proposal

Short film proposal from kieranfalzon123

Linguistic Register

A linguistic register is a variety of a language used for a particular purpose or in a particular social setting. A linguistic register is useful when doing a proposal because when doing a document like this you need to use the correct language and punctuation to be able to do this successfully.

Inappropriate Linguistic Register

In the first scene of the film I'm gonna have a shot of a girl drinking a cuppa tea with bruises on her face and arms and a bottle of pills on the table in front of her and also a picture of the man she is with. This sequence will contribute to the whole film because it'll set what is going on in the character life and shows what is happening to her within the first shot of the film. The facts the audience can see from this scene is that she's being beaten which will give the area of representation which is abuse. The key representative image I want to capture is an upset girl who's been beaten, and to give the audience little hints to what is happening in the first scene.

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What was wrong with the paragraph

The bad things that are said in this paragraph is mainly the punctuation, for example in this paragraph it says "cuppa" instead of 'cup of tea' which is too conversational. Another issue with this paragraph is that the person has written it as a list which is in the first sentenced highlighted the correct punctuation was not used such as commas, the writer used 'and' to break it up but it was not the correct connectives or punctuation to do so. The writer abbreviates words when it is meant to be a formal paragraph so they used the word "it'll" instead of it will. Finally the end of a sentence has not made sense because the writer has said "area of representation which is abuse", it is too vague for the reader because there is many different types of abuse.

Appropriate Linguistic Register

In the first scene of my short film I am going to have a shot of a girl drinking a cup of tea with bruises on her face and arms with a bottle of pills on the table in front of her and also a picture  of the man she is with. This sequence will contribute to the whole film because it will set what is going on in the characters life and shows what is happening to her within the first shot of the film. The facts the audience can gather from this scene is that the female character is being beaten which will give the area of representation, which is domestic abuse. The key representative imagery I want to capture is an upset girl who has been beaten, and to give the audience little hints to what is happening in the first scene.

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What is right about this paragraph

I feel like this paragraph is of very good quality, I think this because the correct punctuation is used and words are not abbreviated. All the words are used in the right context and I can not see anything wrong with this paragraph as it is very formal and is explaining the topic of domestic abuse clearly.